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Archive for December, 2014

I shared recently that we will probably bring home a baby by early spring. But, I want to share that having the baby in our care does not necessarily mean that baby will be ours forever.

We are going the foster to adopt route. This means the little ones we take in will most likely be in a situation where there is potential for reunification with their first family, their biological family. While I know it will be very difficult for us to care for a baby and then give him or her back, there is a part of me that still hopes for that. Not because I will want to hand the little one over, but because I want for mothers and babies to be together. Because I believe that healing and reunification is better than staying broken. And because I’m not there yet and I haven’t experienced the deep feelings of wanting what’s best for a baby and wanting for the best to be me even though it might not be.

The more time I spend in prayer about this new journey we’re on, the more God seems to be sensitizing my heart to the mother and not just to the baby. I can’t stop thinking about and praying for the many mothers who don’t keep their babies. And the word that keeps floating around my mind is “brokennes.”

You see, it is easy to see a woman who has lost custody of her baby and say, “oh yeah, she’s so messed up.”   It’s easy to see her brokenness from the outside and judge her and think I’m better than her. And to think that I would never be as bad as her. It’s easy to feel smug and self-righteous when I hear the numerous situations that lead to a woman having her baby taken away. And it’s easy to feel like a hero because we are rescuing a baby in need.  But the truth is I’m broken, too, even if it’s not as visible from the outside.

My body is broken and that’s keeping me from having another baby. And my heart is broken because of the longing. And my faith is broken because I don’t understand why God will put a baby in the womb of a woman who can’t or won’t care for it while I ache for another baby and yet my womb remains empty. I hate that it hurts so much. I hate that my faith wavers because of this hurt. And I am ashamed that this journey has left me angry and cold and that it taints my view of the world around me. I am heart broken that infertility has burdened us for two thirds of our marriage and that I don’t seem to be the same person I was when I said “I do” because of it. My brokenness may not be as visible to the world around me, but it weighs me down in ways I never expected. Yes, I am so so very broken, too.

And God sees my brokenness as clearly as he sees the brokenness of the other mother. And as Paul and I are getting ready to welcome home a new baby, the Lord is revealing my brokenness to me. And He is showing me how much I have in common with the other mother. And He is gently reminding me just how much He loves us both. When I think about the woman who will give birth to the next baby that I call my own, I am growing to love her and ache for her.

I want her brokenness healed just as much as I want my own brokenness healed. I want to be a part of that healing. I want to be used by God to bless her and care for her. And I know that may entail caring for her baby as if it were my own simply to give him or her back after a time of healing has passed. I don’t WANT to bring home a baby that I don’t get to keep. But I do want healing and reunification to take place between the mothers and children who are broken. And I am willing to help even though it may hurt. And I know that God will use my willingness to help her in my own healing process.

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Ever since we shared the news that we are planning to adopt, there have been a few questions that keep coming up. The first one that everyone seems to be asking is “when?” I think by that question, they’re really asking when we will bring home a baby. And the answer to that question is… soon. It could be as early as late February or it could and will probably be more like April. Either way, that feels really soon to me.

 

We had our initial screening meeting with the agency in early November and were given our application packet at that time. The packet includes a lot of homework. A LOT! And there’s no official due date for it, but we obviously can’t move forward without it.   Our classes will start in late January and are pretty well compacted into about three very intense weeks. Once we complete the classes and turn in our completed packet, we can move into the home study process. This process can be quick, or it can take a while. If there are issues that need to be addressed with our home, it will push back the completion of the home study. If there are a lot of families ahead of us in line, then that will push back our home study. Or, if there are any pieces of paperwork missing at all, then it will… you guessed it… push back the home study. There are a lot of factors outside of our control. And there will most likely be quite a bit of rushing to get to the next step, then waiting for it to be completed.

 

Of course we don’t want the process to take any longer than it needs to. And we don’t want to cause any delays by not completing something ahead of time that we could have gotten done. So right now, we are focusing on completing our application and getting our home up to “home study” standards. Our goal is to hand in our completed packet by the end of our classes so that it can go straight into the hands of the case worker who will do the home study. Our self-imposed due date is the end of January.

 

Assuming all goes well and smooth, the home study will be started and completed in February. But we want to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for the likelihood of some delays. When everything is done, we will sit by the phone and wait for a call. There are some situations where families get a call the same day or week. Or, some families have to wait a while.   We don’t know. But we know we want to do everything we can to get ready so that when the call comes, we are able to say yes. And then we will have a baby. Yay!

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Disclaimer before you proceed:  I know that this blog has traditionally been pretty much focused on crafts and cakes and whatnot.  And that means it’s been pretty impersonal.  But brace yourself!  It’s gonna get personal up in here real quick!  Here we go!

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So, you heard the news? Well, if you haven’t let me tell you. We have decided to adopt. We are so excited to be growing our family in this way and cannot wait to meet the little one that God will bring onto our family. I know that news like this may leave you wondering how we came to this decision, so let me share.

But where do I start! I first thought about foster care and adoption when I was in college working at a Salvation Army summer camp. Prior to that time, I didn’t really realize how great a need there was for good homes. I had known about adoption and foster care, but it wasn’t even on my radar. But working at that camp, we had many many campers who where living in group homes or foster homes. And the Lord used that time to plant the seed in my heart.

Fast forward to about five years ago, Paul and I decided we were ready to start growing our family. It wasn’t long before we realized that would not be an easy or natural task for us. And for about two and half years of trying for a baby, before Harry was conceived, we started thinking about alternative ways to become parents. While we eventually conceived our sweet little man, we had been thinking more about adoption during that season. But the truth is, we weren’t ready to go down this road yet.

As soon as Harry was born, pretty much, we started trying to get pregnant again. We knew it could take some time, so we didn’t want to waste any. And the whole journey in infertility, the heartbreak, the loss, the grief, the medical procedures and bills… those are all topics for another post. But I mention them here because through it all, we continued to think about adoption. I remember calling Paul in tears on the drive home from yet another difficult doctor’s visit a few months ago, and he gently suggested maybe we should revisit the topic of adoption. He was ready to head down this path before I was.

I need to clarify, though, it wasn’t so much that I wasn’t ready to head down this path. I just wasn’t ready to stop trying for another baby naturally. And I felt like I couldn’t do both at the same time. The idea of never being pregnant again, never giving birth, never nursing, never seeing a new face that is a combination of mine and my husband’s… that thought makes me sad. And for a long time, I felt like turning to adoption was giving up on that hope. But it’s not. I have not given up hope that I will one day experience those joys again.

But we don’t know when or if that will happen. And those specific experiences are such a small piece of motherhood in the grand scheme of things that I know we will love and bond with another baby even without them. And since we have been thinking about opening our home and our hearts to a child through the process of adoption anyway, we don’t want to put it off for something that MAY never happen.

So we’re not going to. We are not going to wait another moment longer than we have to.  We are adopting! This is real and I am so excited for what God has in store for us now.  And I look forward to sharing more as we move forward in this process.

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